Motherhood

Become a mom, a good mom, a respectful mom, a  friendly mom, a playful mom, and the best mom for my child have been one of my dreams since I was a teenager. The desire to have baby of my own is stronger when I married two years ago. However, until now, I'm not yet pregnant.

I'm very understand that when the time is right, God will give me a chance to have a baby. Moreover, I should not underestimate God's will. He knows best for me.

However, my heart is aching and hurt so bad when I see those pictures.

When my friends got pregnant, they instantly told the world via Facebook or any social media. And then more baby pictures on my timeline when these babies born to the world. The cuteness, the love, and the happiness that these people have, I'm not yet having it, Instead, I'm very jealous. My friends told everybody how their child is growing up. How they learn how to walk or speak. Even when their child is just lazy around or sleeping. I want that so badly...

Not only pictures of my friends' babies that make me...crazy.

Even YouTube gives me some video recommendation about mom, baby, and everything about it. Although the videos are not really related with parenting, sometimes when I watch a video about a child and in some part of it the parents come out, I become sad.

The worst part is when my friends ask me ... "Are you pregnant?"

Yes I'm big enough to be told pregnant. Because the biggest part in my body is only my stomach. I've been tried sooo damn hard to make myself slim again, but it failed. Not because I eat a lot. I'm not a big eater. But because I eat hormone pills, so that I can get pregnant. And this pills make me "fat" in the specific area of my body.

I'm tired of being asked that way. I'm tired of people asking me "When will you get pregnant?" If I know, I will tell them. But I DON'T KNOW!!!

The sadness and frustration are very strong in these days. Especially when I have a lot of stuffs going on and need to be done. Overwhelmed.

Then, I remember what I read several months ago on a Facebook post about "being a mom", which tell stories about each woman with different conditions about motherhood.

Woman A, is not yet pregnant. She's trying very hard to be a mom. To hospital, traditional medicine, atc. Even in vitro fertilization. But, didn't work. She's jealous with her bestfriend who married after her but pregnant almost instantly after that.
Woman B, is always pregnant. Many people just told her to stop having a baby. But she can't abort her baby. She used pregnancy prevention pills, but sometimes it just didn't work. She is struggling to fed her babies and send them to school. She's desperate.
Woman C, can't pregnant. She has some problems with her health. But she wants baby so bad. So, she adopt a baby boy from another country. However, this baby boy is not the same as baby of her own.
Woman D, do not want to have a baby. She's just afraid to be a mom. She's struggling with her past life and seeing herself as a bad mom.
These women think the same way.
Woman A wants to be Woman B.
Woman B wants to be Woman D
Woman C wants to be Woman B
Woman D wants to be Woman C

Maybe the story above is not exactly the same with the original story, because I kinda forgot the original one. But, the thing is that there are a lot of women out there that have the same or even worst experience that I have. And people in our environment will always judge us with their own thinking. We can't change their mind and we just need to understand and be patient.

If the time is right... God will give us a chance to become a mom....
God knows best.